Taking Care of Our Children

Recently, Shorecrest parent Tom Riley sent me an article from the New York Times titled, “Growing Up on Easy Street Has Its Own Dangers.” In the article there is information from a researcher from Arizona State University who studies affluent suburban youth. Sunya Luther shares a gem of advice from her research. She writes,

 

“Our research consistently found if there is one thing related to problems of all kinds, it is being highly criticized by your parents,” she said. “It is one of the most powerful risk factors.”

 

This article raises some important topics, but the comments online are a reminder of how mean-spirited and naïve people can be when discussing those topics. I, however, want to focus on Ms. Luther’s finding.

 

As a parent, teacher and administrator, one of the great challenges is to learn how to motivate, inspire and appropriately challenge our individual children. While there are some very good practices that work for many (like those described by writer / researcher Daniel Pink in his thoughtful presentation on intrinsic and extrinsic motivation in his “The Puzzle of Motivation” TED Talk) the one-size-fits-all model of motivation simply does not exist. Some of our children require us to break out from our tried and true methods and be flexible in how we communicate and reach out to them.

 

Ms. Luther’s research informs us that parental criticism of children is a risk factor for future problems. If we take this thought seriously, and I think we should, then we need to examine whether our language comes across to our children as critical or motivational. We must communicate openly with our children to learn how they are receiving our messages. At the same time, we know that children benefit from constructive and instructive feedback.

 

We are often reminded that we need to be sure that children understand our feedback as either praise or guidance about one’s performance but not on his or her personhood. It is one thing to hear that you messed up on a math test and another to hear that you are a failure. We have all met parents, coaches and directors who have the gift of being able to give very strong feedback to children, players and performers and at the same time are able to communicate their love, respect and appreciation for their charges. The children, players and actors know that their demanding leaders care about them, while the children also know that the feedback is about an individual act and not about the person’s existence.

 

Focusing on the social-emotional health of our children is equally important to their intellectual, physical and creative development. We make significant investments in the enhancement of the academic, athletic and artistic skills of our children. The New York Times article reminds us that those efforts and investments can be wasted if we are not focused on the whole child and young adults we are supporting. 

In the coming weeks, Lower and Middle School Guidance Counselor Kate Fierce will be giving us a taste of what social-emotional education at Shorecrest looks like. Keep an eye on Ebytes for her new video series.

 

Cheers!

Mike