When the Normal Happens to My Child, Part 2
Source/Author: Mike Murphy, Headmaster
March 18, 2016
Mean Girls exist. Thankfully, many of them outgrow the stage. Bullies are few and far between in environments with nurturing parents and teachers. Social cruelty on the other hand can be common - not acceptable, but common - even in environments where adults are supporting and nurturing.
Biting in preschool happens. “Break ups” between high school sweethearts happen. Always have and always will.
Encounters with mean girls, social cruelty, a bully, a biter or with a break up are not enjoyable, but they are not new experiences in the world of children and teenagers.
Most young people are not prepared to deal with these behaviors because they have no previous experiences to prepare them. Many of our children grow up in families where parents and guardians keep close enough control on social interactions to stop situations from getting nasty and hurtful. So, it is not until school, club teams or camp experiences before our children are in large enough groups and environments where some difficult social interactions and lessons occur and become learning opportunities.
What is a parent to do to help his or her child develop the strength and coping skills to deal with hurtful social situations? Is there a one-size-fits-all solution for social conflict? Probably not. Each of our children responds differently to these events.
Schools incorporate counseling programs and community-building programs like Responsive Classroom and Developmental Design, and find that most children are receptive. Yet, not all children are ready or able to respond positively to these efforts.
Adults can take the extreme positions such as never getting involved in the issues experienced by their children or becoming the infamous "helicopter" or "snow plow" parents who never let their children do anything for themselves. Adults can also find a middle ground where they support their children by teaching them a variety of ways they could resolve issues.
I am not a believer in the one-size-fits-all approach to parenting, child-rearing or education. People are far too complex. Still, I am a firm believer that we cannot let children or adults get wrapped up in the roles of victim, bully or rescuer if we want to develop self confident, socially and emotionally healthy people of character.
Anyone who has ever served in a managerial or leadership role with groups of children or adults has observed the problems that develop when an authority figure is constantly intervening in the disputes between two or more individuals. Unless the individuals or groups are given a structure in which to resolve their issues, the problems will persist. This is not to say that clear standards and guidelines of behavior are not important, but rather, that social conflict is best resolved when everyone involved is invested in maintaining appropriate boundaries.
In the school setting this requires that parents and teachers maintain supportive, collaborative and sane boundaries with each other and with our children.
The patient, deliberate approach to addressing social conflict can be stressful. However, experience has taught us that the quick-fix rarely leads to long-term development of a self confident person. Nor does it teach children how to get beyond the normal feelings that arise in uncomfortable social-emotional situations.
As always, I believe the united efforts of adults to provide students with comfort and plans to address the challenges they will face results in the development of the confident young people we want them to be.
Cheers!
Mike
