Managing Disappointment and Success

Teaching children to be resilient is a hot topic in education and parenting talk and texts. However, those lessons are difficult to evaluate unless the children we are teaching/mentoring/parenting experience a disappointment or loss. Compounding that difficulty is the relative importance of the disappointment or loss to the child in question - we may never know the depth of resilience we have instilled.

 

Being sad is a legitimate and important feeling. What one does with the sadness explains more about a person than his or her resilience. People often demonstrate their flexibility, creativity, problem-solving skills, management of emotions, and when they are dealing with less than a desired outcome.

 

During the first semester of the school year many of our students experienced high levels of success in their academic, athletic and artistic endeavors. In addition, there have been the normal social-emotional highs and lows that all people experience. And now with exams and early decision results from universities looming, some of our students will receive messages that may lead to feelings of affirmation or rejection. These are important times to both support and teach our students and children productive ways to deal with real-life situations.

 

This past week I was with the parent of an alumna whose daughter attended a well-known university where she did well, but she was rejected from medical school when she was right out of college. She spent a year interning at a hospital and was accepted into medical school the following year. She is ranked in the top 10% of her medical school class and has just been inducted into a highly prestigious medical society. The mother noted that she was prouder of how her daughter dealt with the rejection from medical school than for the recognition she is now receiving.

 

The other side of the coin is how one manages success. It is wonderful to be proud of our children. Winning a State Championship, earning straight A’s and getting into the college of one’s choice are worth celebrating. At the moment, these events may be the greatest achievement in a student’s life. Yet, with a little perspective we realize that all the successes one has in high school are somewhat meaningless if the lessons are not springboards for the next phase in life. Hopefully, our children have learned that highly successful leaders show appropriate humility and get right back to work on their goal after a big success.

 

There are lessons to learn when we win and when we lose. Hopefully, our children are surrounded by adults and friends who will help them maintain a positive outlook and perspective so they can proceed to the next stage of life as emotionally and physically well-balanced people. It is sad to read about the very talented young people who are so burnt out by the time they reach college that they drop out before the end of the first semester. It is sad to read of talented young professionals who fail early in their careers because of addictions to drugs and alcohol that they have used as props to mask their pain. Being mindful of the social and emotional health of our children is important year-round but especially important at the end of a semester.

 

Balance, perspective, a future focus, and a healthy interest in other people are important skills and habits of mind we hope our children will develop before leaving for college. The young people or mature adults who embrace these elements will be able to take care of themselves and maybe, more importantly, to serve others.

 

Cheers!

Mike