But, Butt Out
Source/Author: Mike Murphy, Headmaster
October 21, 2016
What good is praise if it is followed by a “but” statement?
Many of us have students who participate in athletic competition, and we may wonder who has the better coaching technique. Is it the coach who says, “Great game, but we made too many mistakes”? Or is it the coach who says, “Great game! I can’t wait to see you at practice tomorrow”?
Have you ever noticed that the more actors and actresses work at their craft, the less often they focus on the behind the scene errors. How many times have you congratulated a young actress or actor only to hear something like, “But Susie missed two lines and Mary had to cover for her.” The person hearing this probably had no idea that any cues were missed. The “but” takes a little of the glow off of the praise.
When you were a student, did you ever hear statements like the following?
“You did a great job cleaning the garage but you left the door open.”
“You made great progress this semester but what happened in Spanish?”
We all face the challenge of knowing when to let something go unmentioned in order let a compliment stick. We know that feedback is important. We cannot improve our performance if we do not know what to improve. Yet, timing matters.
I have found that the most successful teachers, coaches and directors know how and when to ask their students-athletes-artists to give them more, and how and when to give a compliment to make it stick. These people teach, coach and direct in class, during practice and throughout the game. After the event when they say, “Great job,” or “Great effort. I’ll see you tomorrow,” the absence of more coaching allows the recipient to fully appreciate the compliment.
I have not heard the expression “Butt out” in a long time. As I think about how that expression may relate to giving praise and feedback, there may be more wisdom within those two words than I originally acknowledged.
Our children benefit from our feedback. They also need our praise. Let’s do our best at giving both and leave out the ifs, ands and buts when we are giving praise.
Cheers!
Mike
