The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: The Blessing of Work
Source/Author: Kate Fierce
October 31, 2014
Even when they are very small, children can make large contributions to their family’s household and day-to-day life. The knowledge that they are making contributions through their work is empowering to children. It affirms to them that they are an important part of the family and increases their sense of competency and self-worth. It also helps to instill in them a sense that work is important. Yet, the idea of having children do chores or otherwise work for the family’s benefit isn’t always an easy one for parents. In many homes, children do not want to do chores. In many homes, adults aren’t sure whether it is worth the hassle to get children to do chores. It’s true that assigning responsibility for self-care and chores requires parental commitment and strong enforcement. But the benefits are many.
When we include children in the work necessary for taking care of the people in the family, the family home, and their own selves, we are giving them a sense of their obligation to, and connection to, others. By completing chores, children learn necessary life skills that they will need in college and beyond. They also learn that sometimes work must be done whether the underlying motivation is present or not. When we assign responsibility to children at an early age, we help them build the confidence to take on increasingly more complex challenges as they grow up. Helping out at home raises self-esteem! When parents require children to make meaningful contributions to family and home, they send the message that those children are not just loved but also needed. Viewed this way, chores can be the foundation for the development of a child’s character.
Many modern parents are plagued by uncertainty. Parents may feel uncertain that chores even matter to children’s development. They may feel torn between difficult choices: care for a sibling or go to a violin lesson? Clean the bathroom or attend a math enrichment course? Parents often try to turn chores into a game and to keep their children constantly entertained while they work. They offer bribes. The problem with this approach is that children may learn that chores have no value beyond the immediate payoff. When a chore loses its novelty and no longer feels like a game, children may dodge the responsibility or complete it half-heartedly.
With these obstacles, it’s no wonder that parents often just give up out of exhaustion. It can certainly feel easier to just do the work themselves. In The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, Dr. Wendy Mogel asserts, “in order to win the chore wars, you need to think about these arguments and become aware of the psychological struggles beneath them. For until you believe in the value of chores, you won’t have the resolve or patience it takes to assign them and make sure your children follow through.”
If you’d like to start sharing more responsibility with the children in your household, and thereby share with them the blessings of work well done, here are some helpful guidelines:
- Children learn responsibility in phases. Parents can add on more responsibility as the years pass. Don’t be afraid to involve your child in useful work! Start with self-care activities such as tooth-brushing or dressing one’s self. Then move on to caring for their own belongings and helping with household chores.
- Imagine if your child were part of a larger family. Think about the chores your child might have to do if he or she were one of nine or ten siblings, where everyone had to take play their part or the whole operation would fail.
- Make a wish list of chores for your child to do. Think of everything that your child might be capable of doing. Try to think of jobs that would match your child’s interests and temperament.
- Don’t under-estimate what your child is capable of! Three- and four-year-old children can dress themselves, water plants, wipe the table, or sort laundry by color. From there, children can progress to putting toys away, making the bed, and putting laundry in the hamper. By age seven or eight, children can set and clear the table or load and unload the dishwasher. Tweens and teens can help with cooking, ironing, washing the car, and in doing so earn some spending money.
- Grant authority with responsibility. Let children make mistakes and learn from them. Resist the temptation to swoop in and “help” by doing it for them. When adults demand that a task is done their way, they yank the creativity out of the task and increase children’s resistance.
- Devise a system of privileges that children can earn for their work. Motivate children by using positive, non-tangible rewards such as staying up later, watching a TV show, choosing meals, etc. This differs from entertaining children into complying and helps to teach them that hard work brings sweet rewards. Motivating children also requires clear, predictable consequences for non-compliance as well.
- Stop nagging and follow through. Parent educator Barbara Coloroso says that it isn’t the severity of the consequence that has an effect on children but rather the certainty of the consequence. The same is true for rewards. Say what you mean. Do what you say.
Come back next week to read about the Blessing of Food, or how we can bring moderation, celebration, and satisfaction to the dinner table. Or catch up on this article series by clicking the links below.
Article 1: The Blessing of a Skinned Knee
Article 2: Overindulgence
Article 3: Emotional Regulation
Article 4: Acceptance
Article 5: Having Someone to Look Up To
Article 6: Over-protectiveness
Article 7: Gratitude
