The Blessing of Self Control

In The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, Dr. Wendy Mogel describes the intensity in children and their behavior in an interesting way. She writes that there is a spark, or impulse, in all children that can lead to troubling behaviors but that the very same spark is responsible for all passion and creativity. Parents are charged with channeling the spark into appropriate outlets, so that children learn to control their impulses and yet maintain their spirit.

 

All children have extremes – in mind, behavior, and spirit. Children are not born naturally civilized. It is the job of the adults around them to teach them to channel that extremity into appropriate channels. According to Mogel, “this means not only enforcing a set of rules, but also accepting your child’s temperament, respecting his limitations, and shoring up his strengths.”

 

Mogel recommends considering your child’s worst trait: whether it is a little attitude that annoys you, or a medium-sized habit that the teachers continually mention at parent-teacher conferences, or a larger concern that wakes you up and keeps you awake in the middle of the night. She states that hidden in a child’s worst quality lies his or her greatest strength. She advocates rethinking your perspective, so that a stubborn or whining child is valued for her persistence, a complaining child is viewed as discerning, a loud child is understood as exuberant, a bossy child is appreciated for leadership skills, or a nervous child is seen as serious and detail-oriented. Once a child’s worst quality is reframed as a strength, parents can seek to provide sufficient opportunity for that child to express those natural tendency in a positive way. Many incidents of misbehavior or extremism can be avoided by proactively channeling those energies into productive activities. The list below provides some ideas for how this can be accomplished.

 

Of course, from time to time a child’s behavior is unacceptable and adults must address it directly. Dr. Mogel recommends a “one-minute rebuke”. First, parents should be careful to address the problem with a calm demeanor. If you are too upset to speak calmly, take a break! When you are calm, tell your child that you need to talk and go to a private place. Get eye-to-eye with your child and look directly at him or her. Put your hand on your child’s shoulder and gently describe the behavior that is unacceptable to you. (I saw you and Sarah killing ants with my tweezers.) Tell your child about how you feel about what he or she did. Be brief, and use some face-saving comments. (Alicia, this isn’t like you. You are usually kind to animals. That’s why this makes me so sad.) Don’t label your child in any way and refrain from bringing up past behaviors. Also try to refrain from making assumptions about what your child will do in the future based on this one example of misbehavior. (Avoid saying, for instance, “Now I feel uncomfortable leaving you alone with your baby brother.”) Tell your child the consequence for the behavior. (From now on, until I tell you differently, you are not allowed to go into my bathroom without asking.) Finally, offer an opportunity to make amends. (What do you think you can do to make up for your actions?) Then try to reconnect with your child with a gentle touch or kind word. This is to remind your child of your love and to reassure your child that you are not rejecting him or her. (I am sure it will not happen again.)

 

Here are some of Dr. Mogel’s tips for channeling childhood intensity and promoting self-control:

• Remove the stumbling blocks. When does your child misbehave? Is it when he is tired? Or hungry? Or in need of some quiet time alone?
• Allow some “preventive havoc”. All children need to break loose from constraints once in a while. Does your child get enough time to horse around? To make noise? To safely expend some pent-up energy? Make sure there is space for this.
• Presentation is everything. Watch how you ask your child to do things. Are you presenting your request as a fun opportunity or as an irritating burden? Whisper your requests. Try to transform responsibilities into an honor.
• Don’t be overly demanding. Try to let go of impossible expectations. Learn about what is developmentally expected for your child’s age. Avoid saying “always” and “never”. Your child can’t always tell the truth, remember to bring everything home from school, or sit at the table without squirming.
• Remember that success motivates. Find your child being good and mention it. Look for areas of competence. Make it easy for your child to success by setting up his or her environment to help. Instead of saying, “if only she tried harder, she would do better,” consider saying, “if she did better, she would try harder.”
• Don’t talk too much. Be quiet and listen more. Don’t try to provide instant solutions to your child’s problems. Avoid the lecture. Talk less and act more.
• Express displeasure without humiliating your child. Try using the one-minute rebuke described above!
• To find effective consequences, reframe entitlements as privileges. Videos, sweet treats, TV, bicycles, play dates, and iPhones are all privileges to be earned, if necessary. Change your wording to “When… then…” (When you remember to put your clothes into the hamper for three days in a row, you can watch television in the evening. Now tell me what I said so I know we both understand it the same way.)
• Making amends repairs the world. When children must come up with a way to make right the wrong they have done, they learn exactly what they are doing wrong. When children are required to actively undo or repair their unacceptable behavior, they learn new behaviors.

Come back next week to read about the Blessing of Time, or how to encourage children to live fully in the present moment. Or catch up on this article series by clicking the links below.  

 

Article 1: The Blessing of a Skinned Knee

 

Article 2: Overindulgence

 

Article 3: Emotional Regulation

 

Article 4: Acceptance

 

Article 5: Having Someone to Look Up To

 

Article 6: Over-protectiveness

 

Article 7: Gratitude

 

Article 8: Work

 

Article 8: Food