Adult complaints about disrespectful children are as old as time itself. Today, more than ever, “sympathetic, fair-minded parents” need to make a conscious effort to establish themselves as the “honored ruler” in their home. Yet many parents feel uncomfortable demanding respect from their children. Some people have an aversion to authority figures and so it feels presumptuous, rigid and undemocratic. Others prefer to think of themselves as their child’s best friend, and may fall right in line with the same clothing, movies and music their child prefers. Still others feel guilty and overwhelmed because of divorce or a challenging work schedule.
Regardless of the root cause, children crave limits and authority figures. When they have someone to look up to, children thrive. Furthermore, we all have authorities to whom we must submit: employers, loan officers, law enforcement, etc. Children who do not learn to respect and honor authority at home will have great trouble doing so with teachers, coaches and bosses throughout life.
As Dr. Wendy Mogel elegantly puts it, “…your children do not need two more tall friends. They have their own friends, all of whom are cooler than you. What they need are parents. You alone can guide them so they grow up strong and secure; you alone can teach them the rules of our culture so they’ll know how to fit in.”
Dr. Mogel goes on to say that the catch is that children will only accept guidance and advice from parents when they respect them. If we do not teach our children to honor us, it’s likely to be a great challenge to teach them anything else.
Children are not the equals of adults, and they don’t want to be. It makes them feel insecure. Parents can be fooled by the sophistication of their child’s arguments. They sometimes even feel proud to be the parent of such a skilled debater! However, children are not psychologically equipped to handle winning debates with the important adults in their lives. They lack the maturity to monitor and regulate their own Internet consumption or to teach themselves good manners, for example. They need adults to be bigger and stronger, and to have the courage to take a stand. Then children can relax and feel safe.
Here are some questions to get you thinking about how well your children respect and honor the adults in your home:
- Do you allow your children to interrupt you unnecessarily, when you are on the phone or otherwise in conversation with others?
- Is there a designated place for each parent to sit at the table? Do children sit in that place?
- Do your children consistently argue and contradict your words?
- Do they talk back to you in public?
- Do your children offer to get you a glass of water, a cookie or an apple when they are getting one for themselves?
- Do your children respect your privacy and your belongings? Do they enter your bedroom or take your things without asking?
- Do they use up your entire data plan or dominate the home computer? Do they fail to give you phone messages?
If some of those questions hit close to home, take heart! You are not alone. Many well-intentioned, intelligent, sensitive parents have trouble in this area. They have allowed their children to become disrespectful because they do not demand respect from them. Why? For many, deep down they do not believe they deserve the respect, or that they can be strong enough to wage the battle that it would take.
If the time has come for the children in your home to do a better job of respecting their elders, here are a few suggestions for you:
- Establish rules and make respect your bottom line. Teach your children the habits of politeness and manners. Teach them to say please and thank you, to greet family members by name and with eye contact, to offer to share food or lend a helping hand. The words they say and the tone they use matter.
- It’s okay to say, “Because I said so!” There are times when parents make decisions that rationale should not or cannot be shared with children. For instance, you may always want a playmate to come to your home rather than sending your child to their home because you do not trust the home environment. There are times when a child just needs to quickly comply with a parent’s directive without questioning why. Your word, and not your reasoning, is what is most important.
- Short-circuit arguments with your child. Shift your emphasis from trying to get your child to agree with you to teaching him/her the importance of listening and respecting your decision. The phrase, “I love you too much to argue with you,” can be quite effective.
- Teach your children to respect your privacy. Your bedroom should be your sanctuary. Children can sleep in their own beds because that is what is best for the parents and their relationship. Teach them not to interrupt when you are on the phone or talking with a friend, except in case of emergency. Your needs and preferences do have value and do deserve to be honored in your family.
- Teach your children to honor guests in your home. They can make eye contact, begin greetings with the person’s name: “Hi, David,” tolerate small talk gracefully, and walk them to the door when they leave. A cheerful attitude and a genuine interest in the guest show respect as well.
- Model the respect you wish to see. If children are to develop genuine respect for you, they need to know what respect looks like in action. They observe how their parents treat their own parents (i.e. the children’s grandparents.) Find ways to demonstrate how your parents or in-laws make unique, cherished contributions to the family. Similarly, be careful of how your children hear you talk about others. Not only may children absorb some attitudes towards people in your life that will embarrass you publically, they may come to see the world as a place where others are judged behind their backs. This can lead to them becoming inhibited, fearing that their own actions and words will be ridiculed.
Come back next week to read about the
Blessing of a Skinned Knee, or how we can avoid the pitfalls of over-protectiveness and instead instill independence and competency in children. Or catch up on this article series by clicking the links below.
Article 1: The Blessing of a Skinned Knee
Article 2: Overindulgence
Article 3: Emotional Regulation
Article 4: Acceptance
