The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Acceptance

There is too much anxiety involved in parenting these days! While the exploration of why this is so could fill many volumes, much of that anxiety seems to revolve around a perception that children need to be “perfect”, or at least exceptional in most areas of life. “Normal” and “average’ have become dirty words in some circles, with parents fearing that an ordinary child will not be prepared for success in life. Because of this, when a child’s limitations or weaknesses come to light, parents are often unable or unwilling to acknowledge them. The truth is, we all have areas where we excel and areas where we are less capable. Falling prey to the myth that their child needs to be “special” or “superior”, parents rush in to save their children from these imperfections, thinking that by doing so they are protecting their self-esteem. However, in truth, this pressure to excel in all areas puts detrimental pressure on children, who end up feeling inadequate when they (inevitably) fall short of their parents’ lofty expectations.

 

As the need to see one’s child as exceptional grows, the age at which children are expected to be good at everything moves lower and lower. I’ve heard parents start to worry about college acceptances based on their child’s performance in kindergarten! Educators and researchers alike know that a child’s development is often a series of fits and starts, rather than a continuous upward trajectory. When parents hold the expectation that their child must be superior in all ways, any deviation from that superiority can be perceived as a deficit or disability. In practical terms, parents can fall into the trap of believing that if a child is not “gifted,” then he or she must be “learning disabled.” Some children are late bloomers; some children are slow to start. Not every child has unlimited potential in all areas.

 

Furthermore, this expectation that children should be excellent in all areas does not accurately reflect adult life. Few of us are generalists, talented in all areas. Typically, as we grow up we identify our areas of talent and interest. We study, and develop skills, in those areas. As adults, we choose careers that emphasize those talents and interests. Adults are specialists, not generalists. Childhood is the only time in life where generalization is expected, rather unfairly. When we push children to excel in all areas, believing this to be necessary for future success in this hyper-paced world, we are trying to second-guess the skills that will be needed twenty years from now. In The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, Dr. Wendy Mogel asserts that the only skills that are certain to be valuable in the future are character traits, such as honesty, persistence, flexibility, resilience, optimism, and compassion. These traits have served people well for centuries.

 

One of the most nurturing things we can do as parents and educators is to identify each child’s interests and strengths, and their unique path through life. Our job then becomes to help children find that path and to support them as they pursue it. When we ignore a child’s intrinsic strengths in an effort to push him/her towards our own notion of extraordinary achievement, we undermine that child’s uniqueness and negate their individual talents. When the pressure to be special gets too intense, children often end up in a therapist’s office with stress-related issues, like stomachaches, depression, eating disorders, and so forth. In the book, Dr. Mogel quotes an educator as saying, “Try to see your child as a seed that came in a packet without a label. Your job is to provide the right environment and nutrients and to pull the weeds. You can’t decide what kind of flower you’ll get or in which season it will bloom.” Our children will thank us for remembering this.

 

The antidote to all this “specialness”, according to Dr. Mogel, is a willingness to accept the paradox that we are all BOTH ordinary and extraordinary. She references an old concept in the Hasidic thought in which people are encouraged to keep two pieces of paper in their pockets at all times: one says “I am a speck of dust,” and the other says, “The world was created for me.” Each person is a balance of unique specialness, and mundane ordinariness. When children learn to accept this, they learn to see themselves as capable people, flawed and yet perfect.

 

Here are some helpful guidelines to keep in mind for seeing your child’s unique set of gifts and limits: 

Come back next week to read about the Blessing of Having Someone to Look Up To, or how we can teach children to honor their parents and respect others . Or catch up on this article series by clicking the links below.  

 

Article 1: The Blessing of a Skinned Knee

 

Article 2: Overindulgence

 

Article 3: Emotional Regulation